Tag: Wimbledon

My name is not Russell Crowe. Lord AJPGR Murray dispenses advice to Emma Raducanu.

My dear Emma,

To say I was hugely disappointed at your news this morning that you had fallen at the first fence of the BNP Paribas Open in Indiana Wells in such a miserable fashion would be an understatement.

I was devastated, distraught and filled with remorse that I was unable to guide you through those early baby steps outside the hustle and bustle of the Grand Slams.

I realised too late that I should accepted your request to be your coach once you had dispensed with the services of that previous no-hoper you employed. Tim did his tiny best I am sure but it should have been me on that aeroplane with you to California.

Too late, too little: such are the risks facing eponymous tennis champions and their coaches and failure is a tough lesson to learn for both of us.

But never-mind Emma: now is not the time to crow or wallow in self doubt and recrimination.

We will return in style and I will make it my number one priority to be court-side with you (albeit via a Zoom call as my current location doesn’t allow for personal visits) on Monday morning to pick you up off the floor, put that determined little smile back on your chubby cheeks and get that forehand swishing again properly.

Indian Wells will be but a distant memory on Monday afternoon as we prepare for your next great challenge: Frinton on Sea Lawn Tennis Club in November.

 

More insights from Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray here.

Mmm peachy. Lord AJPGR Murray confesses.

I’m not a little relieved that my impersonator has been reunited with his plimsolls over night.

The accusatory looks I was getting from my so called neighbours was all getting a bit too much.

“The scent of peach around your legs is a bit of a give away” remarked one local wag, as his dogs kept on sniffing sniffing sniffing around my nether regions.

Just cheap aftershave I explained, trying to shoo them away in the process. The dogs weren’ t listening though and it soon became clear that I would have to take drastic action.

Fetch! I threw my trainers over the railway crossing as the gates came down, hoping those infuriating hounds would leap on to the railway track about the same time that the 15.47 Liverpool train was passing.

Jump they did, fetch they did but true to British Rail form, the 15.47 was 2 minutes late and they were able to bring me back the trainers intact, albeit covered in a slime of dog slobber. I held them up, scrutinised them and held them to my nose. Mmm, still peachy.

I put them back on my feet and marvelled at their perfect fit. My impersonator had clearly done his homework. Quite how he had found out about my size 16 feet is anyone guess – and quite how he thinks he can get around a tennis court carrying those barges at the end of his legs is quite beyond me too but I have to admit, they felt comfortable, well worn in and clearly had many tales to tell about their owners trials and tribulations on the world’s tennis courts.

I luxuriated in them for a bit longer before reconciling myself to the fact that they would need to be returned to their rightful owner, even if he was unwilling to return the title of Wimbledon champion and Sports Personality of the Year to me.

Timing is everything I mused as I posted them through the outsize postbox on the front door of his bungalow. I rang the doorbell and scarpered away as fast as I could back home. I wasn’t in the mood to confront my imposter, even if his plimsolls reminded me of the Algarve.

More insights from Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray here.

Imposter alert! Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch puts the record straight.

The news that some two bit tennis player who calls himself ‘Andy Murray’ has had his wedding ring stolen whilst attached to his plimsolls has led to various accusations that yours truly is implicated in some way in this heinous crime.

I would like to assure my many fans that these rumours are unfounded, untrue and unnerving in the sense that they suggest that one’s private life is not as private as one would like it to be.

The proposition that I would somehow have the capability to track down the location of this so-called ‘Andy Murray’, then be the slightest bit interested in his plimsolls – even if they did reek of a rather pleasant peach like odour – or even be a bit remotely bothered by the wedding ring which was probably carelessly entwined around the aforesaid plimsoll laces without any consideration of the poor woman who had foolishly pledged her life to follow in his footsteps (I warned her, I really did) – is just plain ludicrous.

Quite where these spurious allegations have arisen is a complete mystery and unfortunately, given my current circumstances, somewhat difficult to contest.

But contest them I shall. And Mr. so-called ‘Andy Murray’ will regret the day he attempted to brief the paparazzi against yours truly. Mr ‘Murray’: je ne regret riens but you may well do very soon.

More insights from Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray here.

Well and truly launched… the ATP (Ageing Tennis Player) Circuit fires up!

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player was well and truly launched this week.

With readers Carl Cockram, David Llewellyn, Janice Owen and Tayo Aluko, we’d also like to thank the Park Tennis Club in Nottingham and the Fly in the Loaf in Liverpool for making this happen. A great time was had by all and we look forward to touring the book to tennis clubs across the country, and who knows where else!

Thanks to Andy Macaulay for advice, support, photography and for stepping into the breach when it was most needed!

More information about Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player here.

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player: now available from all good independent book shops!

If you’d rather not order online, you can now order Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player from any number of independent bookshops. Just ask for it by name and its ISBN number: 9780956142313 and they’ll take care of everything for you.

You can find an independent book shop near you here.

Any problems – just drop us a line.

Recognise your achievements in the Ageing Tennis Player Wall of Infamy!

Out today! We are now offering all Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player supporters your very own Ageing Tennis Player (ATP) certificate which demonstrates your achievements at one of the world’s Grand Slam tournaments – and gives you the opportunity to share your achievement on the ATP Wall of Infamy.

The examples below are for Wimbledon, but they can of course be amended for any Grand Slam of your choice: Paris, New York, Tooting – whatever you fancy.

All you have to do is buy a copy of the book from our website, let us know who you beat, when and where – and a certificate of achievement will be wending its way to you any day now!

Book your tickets for the launches of Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player here!

After several years of  sweating away over a feverish laptop, I’m writing to invite you to  the launch of my book, Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player next month.

The launches will take place at:

Park Tennis Club on Saturday 14 August from 6pm  in Nottingham and

The Fly in the Loaf, Hardman Street in Liverpool on Friday 20 August from 3pm in Liverpool.

Details of the book are here.

The launches will have some readings, food and drinks – and I’d be delighted if you can join us.

 If you are able to come along, please book your tickets below confirm and whether or not you will be bringing any guests with you so that we can make sure there’s enough refreshments to go round.

Launching at a Tennis Club or Pub near you…

If you live near Nottingham or Liverpool that is.

We will be formally launching the publication of the new, improved and illustrated Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player on Saturday 14 August at 6pm at the Park Tennis Club in Nottingham; and Friday 20 August from 3pm at the Fly in the Loaf, Hardman Street, Liverpool

The launches will have some readings, food and drinks – and with any luck enjoying the tennis of those afternoons.

If you are able to join us, please just drop me an email to confirm where you would like to attend, and how many tickets you would like so that we can make sure there’s enough refreshments to go round.

More information about the book here.

Kevin Coyne plays ‘Mad Boy’ for Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

When Paul Warren, the Confessions illustrator and I first met, we soon realised we were both fans of the Derby born musician, Kevin Coyne.

I had seen Kevin several times, and Paul was lucky enough to be one of his best friends and study with him at the Derby College of Art. We both thought it would be terrific if Kevin’s role in our lives could be acknowledged in the Confessions… book and so were delighted when Helmi, Kevin’s wife, allowed us to use of Kevin’s song, Mad Boy, as the accompanying song for Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player.

If you’re listening up there, Kevin, we hope we’ve done you proud.

You can see more about the Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player here.

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