We’re delighted, on this very special occasion, to release the previously lost script of the one and only Sir David Attenborough narrating the introduction to the second in our Ageing Tennis Player Quartet, The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player.
You can hear the man himself providing his unique insights into the mating behaviours of lesser spotted tennis players in a sample from the audiobook below! David is joined by narrators Samuel James and Claire Wyatt so why not curl up on a tennis court near you and enjoy one of his lesser known broadcasting achievements?
The transcript of his broadcast is available here, just for you, right now!
The Story So Far: The Sightings of Tennis Ornithologist, Mrs Hacienda Buscando Stanley Carter
A Natural History BBC Documentary Script with special guest David Attenborough
FADE IN WIDE SHOT
Early morning mist hangs over an unremarkable suburban tennis club. The courts are empty. Birds call. Somewhere, a gate creaks.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.) (quiet, reflective)
Birding has meant a variety of things to many different people… but for some, it becomes something else entirely.
A pause.
For Mrs Hacienda Buscando Stanley Carter…
it has become a matter of survival.
CUT TO: COURT ONE
A lone figure practises tennis. His movements are hesitant. Balls scatter in several directions at once.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
Here, within the carefully managed ecosystem of a members’ tennis club, we encounter a most unusual observer. She is not a member. She is not merely passing through. She is watching.
CUT TO: BEHIND THE HEDGE
Phoebe. Notebook. Binoculars. Stillness.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
Mrs Hacienda Buscando Stanley Carter — Phoebe, for short is a tennis ornithologist of the highest order.
Where others see leisure… she sees behaviour. Where others hear the sound of felt striking string… she hears distress calls.
SIGHTING ONE
CUT TO: SLOW MOTION
The man attempts a forehand. Misses entirely.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
Her attention is first drawn to an Unidentified Wandering Object or UWO as we say in the trade. A solitary male specimen. Drifting uncertainly between baseline and net. His swing is hopeful… rather than effective. A beat. He is lost.
SIGHTING TWO
CUT TO: PHOEBE, HALF-CONCEALED
She leans forward slightly.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
Phoebe attempts a gentle intervention. A suggestion.
A correction. Advice, delivered with the kindness of experience.
CUT TO: THE UWO
He ignores her completely.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
This is not defiance. It is denial.
SIGHTING THREE
CUT TO: MEMBERS’ LOUNGE
The UWO sits in an armchair, motionless.
A television replays disputed line calls.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
The subject retreats indoors, where he becomes immobilised by a phenomenon Phoebe later identifies as The Hawkeye Effect. Replay. Reflection. Regret. He does not move.
TIME LAPSE
Light shifts. Glasses empty. Chairs scrape.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
Phoebe waits.
SIGHTING FOUR
CUT TO: PHOEBE STEPPING FORWARD
Measured. Careful.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
At last, she approaches. This is a dangerous moment. Many watchers are undone by premature contact. But Phoebe has patience. She has notebooks. She survives the encounter.
SIGHTING FIVE
CUT TO: BAR AREA
Several pints of Hawkeye Bitter appear.
Unclaimed. Strategically placed.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
Now begins a delicate phase: attraction without detection. Phoebe deploys a classic lure. Not offered. Not explained. Simply… present.
CUT TO: THE UWO CIRCLING
Hovering. Hesitating.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
It is an old ornithological trick.
SIGHTING SIX
CUT TO: EMPTY COURTS
Wind moves leaves across the baseline.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
Then — absence. The UWO fails to appear. Prolonged non-sighting often indicates injury… illness… or worse.
Self-reflection.
SIGHTING SEVEN
CUT TO: RIVER MERSEY — DUSK
A raft of flaming tennis rackets drifts silently downstream.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
At dusk, Phoebe witnesses a disturbing spectacle. This is not courtship. This is not ritual. This is protest.
WIDE SHOT
Phoebe waits on the riverbank.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
She waits. Four hours pass. The UWO does not return.
SIGHTING EIGHT
CUT TO: CLOSE-UP — PHOEBE
Realisation.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
At last, the truth reveals itself. The architect of the burning rackets is the UWO himself. Now fully identified.
CUT TO: THE MAN, SILHOUETTED
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
Phoebe is appalled. But she is not deterred. From this moment on, she commits to following him across courts, continents and consequences… to the bitter end.
FINAL SHOT
Phoebe closes her notebook.
ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.)
Because the most dangerous thing in the wild is not the predator… A pause. …but the observer who decides she must intervene.
FADE TO BLACK
TITLE CARD:
COURTING LIVES
The Story So Far
The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player
“Tennis belongs to the individualistic past – a hero, or at most a pair of friends or lovers, against the world.” (Jacques Barzun)
