Tag Archives: Wild card

“I put it all down to Lord Andrew!” Cameron Norrie bares his soul to Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch.

Cameron Norrie, one of the best men’s tennis player in the world, produced one of the most predictable Masters 1000 triumphs in recent memory last night. From a set and a break deficit, Norrie recovered to comprehensively thrash Nikoloz Basilashvili and become the first British man to win the prestigious Indian Wells title. Ever.

In a NOP exclusive, Norrie gives a unique insight into his playing style and why he puts his entire success down to the hard wrought experience and wisdom of Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch, currently being Pleasured by Her Majesty at a secret location somewhere in the depths of the Californian desert.

“When I was two years old, I used to watch the tennis on the TV and especially the guys like McEnroe, Borg and Nastase” confessed Norrie to Lord Andrew over a steaming mug of gruel.

“Round about Wimbledon time, my brother Decameron and I would play a kind of tennis out on our grandfather’s lawn. I would take on the role of John McEnroe and he would enact Jimmy Connors.  I would invariably win as I was two and he was just beginning to get to grips with being swaddled.  It was all done to the fact that I had a proper tennis racket and knew how to score properly.  He had nothing and knew even less.

As I’ve gotten older, it’s become clearer that proficiency in tennis is not all about age but all about who you know and what inspirational illustrated comic guide books on how to play tennis you can read before breakfast. Your book, Lord Andy, if I may call you that…?”

At this point, Lord Andrew JPGRM of Kirkintilloch nodded sagely, giving the young buck licence to bare his soul, prostrated at his master’s bare feet.

“Your book, Lord Andy, offered me a veritable cornucopia of playing tips and tricks which helped me deal with all sorts of opponents of all sorts of sizes and shapes, playing all kind of strange shots in the oddest of circumstances.  The Californian desert being one of them.

Part two showed me how to apply those skills and strategies to go on and win a major international tennis tournament.  Last night of all nights!”

At this point, Lord Andrew’s security advisor arrived and informed the visitor that his time was up and there could be no more advice and guidance from the oracle.  Cameron Norrie however refused to leave the company of Lord Andrew and protested vigorously at his imminent ejection.

“But I need some excellent advice on how to deal with the media interest and the furore around becoming an international tennis superstar and Sports Personality of the Year!  Which is surely mine now that Emma has disappeared in a Transylvanian smog of her own making?” shrieked Norrie as the security advisor doubled in size and number.”

Lord Andrew of Kirkintilloch took pity on the young tennis buck and offered him these words of peace and harmony.

“My book, Cameron, is for everyone who has suffered at the hands of pomposity or institutional inertia and feels that the traditional English values of fair play, a stiff upper lip and self-deprecation are lacking in many areas of our public life. 

With this in mind, part four offers some hard-fought wisdom about how to deal with the Machiavellian politics of the sports club and by extension our Great British society as a whole; something you have just witnessed firsthand. And for that ignominy, I am truly apologetic.  Ours is not to reason but just to sit back and take it on our substantial Roger Federer inspired chins.”

As Lord Andrew has shown many times before, Britain is not as ‘Great’ as it might like to think it is and the treatment of Cameron Norrie is yet another example of how mighty empires rise and fall.

You too can become an international tennis superstar and be inspired by Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch by joining him in a rare attendance at Westfields Tennis Club at 21 Eastfield Rd, Leicester LE3 6FE on Thursday 21 October from  7pm.

“It’s never too late to leave your mark on the tennis court of life” as he sagely remarks here.

Imposter alert! Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch puts the record straight.

The news that some two bit tennis player who calls himself ‘Andy Murray’ has had his wedding ring stolen whilst attached to his plimsolls has led to various accusations that yours truly is implicated in some way in this heinous crime.

I would like to assure my many fans that these rumours are unfounded, untrue and unnerving in the sense that they suggest that one’s private life is not as private as one would like it to be.

The proposition that I would somehow have the capability to track down the location of this so-called ‘Andy Murray’, then be the slightest bit interested in his plimsolls – even if they did reek of a rather pleasant peach like odour – or even be a bit remotely bothered by the wedding ring which was probably carelessly entwined around the aforesaid plimsoll laces without any consideration of the poor woman who had foolishly pledged her life to follow in his footsteps (I warned her, I really did) – is just plain ludicrous.

Quite where these spurious allegations have arisen is a complete mystery and unfortunately, given my current circumstances, somewhat difficult to contest.

But contest them I shall. And Mr. so-called ‘Andy Murray’ will regret the day he attempted to brief the paparazzi against yours truly. Mr ‘Murray’: je ne regret riens but you may well do very soon.

More insights from Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray here.

Come and join the ATP Circuit at Cambridge Lawn Tennis Club!

Whilst we have now completed our first 2 launches of Confessions in Nottingham and Liverpool, I’m delighted to let you know that we have had interest from Cambridge Lawn Tennis Club to host a similar event later this autumn.

So, in case you were unable to make the Nottingham and Liverpool events, (or indeed, would like to repeat the experience!) you are now invited to the East of England launch of Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player at Cambridge Lawn Tennis Club, Stacey Lane, Wilberforce Road, CB3 0EQ on Saturday 9 October at 4pm.

As before, the Cambridge event will involve performed readings from the book, refreshments will be available and it will take place from 4pm -6pm. 

Places for the reading are limited. If you would like to attend, please confirm your place by emailing nick@nickowenpublishing.com

We hope you are able to join us on 9 October!

Well and truly launched… the ATP (Ageing Tennis Player) Circuit fires up!

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player was well and truly launched this week.

With readers Carl Cockram, David Llewellyn, Janice Owen and Tayo Aluko, we’d also like to thank the Park Tennis Club in Nottingham and the Fly in the Loaf in Liverpool for making this happen. A great time was had by all and we look forward to touring the book to tennis clubs across the country, and who knows where else!

Thanks to Andy Macaulay for advice, support, photography and for stepping into the breach when it was most needed!

More information about Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player here.

Launching at a Tennis Club or Pub near you…

If you live near Nottingham or Liverpool that is.

We will be formally launching the publication of the new, improved and illustrated Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player on Saturday 14 August at 6pm at the Park Tennis Club in Nottingham; and Friday 20 August from 3pm at the Fly in the Loaf, Hardman Street, Liverpool

The launches will have some readings, food and drinks – and with any luck enjoying the tennis of those afternoons.

If you are able to join us, please just drop me an email to confirm where you would like to attend, and how many tickets you would like so that we can make sure there’s enough refreshments to go round.

More information about the book here.

Kevin Coyne plays ‘Mad Boy’ for Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

When Paul Warren, the Confessions illustrator and I first met, we soon realised we were both fans of the Derby born musician, Kevin Coyne.

I had seen Kevin several times, and Paul was lucky enough to be one of his best friends and study with him at the Derby College of Art. We both thought it would be terrific if Kevin’s role in our lives could be acknowledged in the Confessions… book and so were delighted when Helmi, Kevin’s wife, allowed us to use of Kevin’s song, Mad Boy, as the accompanying song for Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player.

If you’re listening up there, Kevin, we hope we’ve done you proud.

You can see more about the Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player here.