Tag: Wild card

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player Audiobook – out now

Need something to read whilst you’re waiting in that queue in SW19? Or a little light reading for that holiday just around the corner?

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player is the must-go-to humorous guidebook about dreams, disappointments, failures and triumphs; a satirical mid-life-crisis handbook for everyone who has never quite fulfilled their fantasies on the tennis court, or anywhere else – and is now available on audiobook!

The ‘Sporting Confessions’ series offers some rare insights and humour into what it is to be an athlete at the top of their game. Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player is the first book in a quartet of books which follow our hero, Lord Andy John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch through the Tennis Grand Slams around the world, in Melbourne, at Roland Garros in Paris, and finally, Lord Andy’s journey to immortality is told through the Fantastic Confabulations of an Ageing Tennis Player at Flushing Meadows in America. 

 ‘Forget Sports Personality of the Year, because ‘Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player’ wins my Sports Hero of the Decade! In a world where fame sometimes sleazily schmoozes with ability, Nick Owens’ salvos slyly obliterate the pretensions afflicting grand spectacle. Written with cheery lunacy, the rollercoaster of crazy is a joy and a credit to serving both a fine read and a smashing volley, earning a final score of everything-to-love.’ 
(Rick Hoegberg, writer)

Read by the one and only Samuel James, who says:

“The idea of an epic battle between the common man and the forces, trying to keep them at bay is always a winner with me. Nick’s brilliant balance between humour and tragedy had me cheering for Lord Andrew whilst at the same time wishing he could find someone, anyone, to just sit down with for a serious talk over a cup of tea …  Iparticularly enjoyed recreating a well known – and cringeworthy – interview with a certain political leader on the BBC!”

It wasn’t me! Clarification about premature leakage of commercially sensitive intelligence and formal apology.

To: Nick Owen, Eleanor Wheeler, Paul Warren and the Entire Senior Leadership Team

From: Julian Pilkington-Sterne, Marketing Executive (Acting), Nick Owen Publishing

Subject: A Full and Frank Explanation Concerning the “Premature Publication Event”

Dear All,

I am writing in a state of elevated heart rate but full professional composure to address what certain individuals (and one alarmingly quick-fingered person on Twitter) are already calling “The NOP Budget Leak.” I would like to clarify at the outset that this phrase is unnecessarily inflammatory. What occurred was not a “leak,” but rather a “temporarily accelerated communications incident.”

I take full and complete responsibility for pressing the “publish” button on the draft web page detailing the commercially sensitive plans for the 2026 NOP Strategic Relaunch, including (but unfortunately not limited to):

The projected acquisition of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Museum Pop-Up Rights The proposed NOP x Kevin Coyne tribute album The not-yet-announced “Ageing Tennis Player Cinematic Universe” The confidential discussions with Raconteurs Audio regarding a “Julian-centric” podcast spinoff

I want to be crystal clear that the button was pressed entirely accidentally, and only after I had performed extensive quality-assurance testing on the website’s CMS. The “Publish” and “Preview” buttons are, in my professional opinion, perilously close together—closer, in fact, than the public realises. I have long argued for a two-factor authentication process (“Do you really mean THIS, Julian?”), and hope this unfortunate episode will finally justify the necessary UX investment.

Why it happened

In the spirit of transparency and as part of my ongoing personal commitment to reflective practice, I provide the following honest and unvarnished explanation:

I believed I was pressing “Save Draft.” My finger slipped. The office chair I was issued in September has a swivel anomaly. The draft page was positioned, through a combination of auto-scroll and an enthusiastic trackpad, directly beneath my right index finger. I am a human being, and humans err (even Jesus once overturned a table).

Why it could be seen as beneficial

If we are to pivot from crisis to opportunity as all marketing theorists encourage we might observe that:

The page was live for just 11 minutes, thus technically qualifying as a “limited exclusive reveal.” The spike in website traffic has given us invaluable A/B testing data on which phrases consumers click on most when they think they have been given confidential information. A rumour of a Cinematic Universe often precedes actual investment interest (Marvel began exactly this way, though with fewer tennis references). Some early comments online described the leak as “bold,” “chaotic,” and “exactly the sort of transparency we need from publishers,” which can only strengthen our brand identity as restless innovators.

Why I should not be dismissed immediately

I appreciate that Nick has, on at least three separate occasions this morning, used the words “fucking sackable offence,” “utter fucking catastrophe,” and “Julian, for fuck’s sake.” I also appreciate that Eleanor has not looked directly at me since 8:37am.

However, I humbly propose that:

This episode demonstrates my initiative, albeit in an unconventional direction. It reveals the public hunger for NOP content (11 minutes = 412 page views; this is unprecedented for a weekday morning). I have already drafted a corrective press statement framed as “NOP confirms bold future direction after visionary pre-announcement glitch,” which I would be happy to circulate. I have learned a significant lesson about technology, humility, and the dangers of multitasking while eating a cinnamon swirl.

Final note

Please accept my sincere apologies for the turmoil caused. I am prepared to undertake any corrective action deemed necessary, including (but not limited to) additional CMS training, suspension from podcast planning meetings, or a temporary ban from using adjectives like “revolutionary.”

I remain, as ever,

Your dedicated servant in publishing excellence,

Julian Pilkington-Sterne

Marketing Executive (Acting)

Nick Owen Publishing

Kevin Coyne plays ‘Mad Boy’ for Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

When Paul Warren, the Confessions illustrator and I first met, we soon realised we were both fans of the Derby born musician, Kevin Coyne. I had seen Kevin several times, and Paul was lucky enough to be one of his best friends and study with him at the Derby College of Art.

We both thought it would be terrific if Kevin’s role in our lives could be acknowledged in the Confessions… book and so were delighted when Helmi, Kevin’s wife, allowed us to use of Kevin’s song, Mad Boy, as the accompanying song for Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player. If you’re listening up there, Kevin, we hope we’ve done you proud.

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

“I don’t like your attitude!” snaps “Serena Williams” as we square up over the club’s dubious grass courts. But I am “Andy Murray”, the greatest tennis GOAT ever, no really I am and you “Serena” are blocking me from my ultimate goal: chairman of our local club.

A riotously funny illustrated comic guidebook about obsession, ageing, sporting fantasy and the gap between imagination and reality.

Follow a man of a certain age — self-styled as “Andy Murray” — on his spirited, surreal journey through dreams of Wimbledon glory, club politics, and the absurdities of success that never quite arrives. The first in the Confessions series.

£19.99
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Bientôt disponible dans une librairie près de chez vous: Les Conquêtes Normandes d’un Tennisman Vieillissant

“Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing—turn out your toes as you walk—and remember who you are!”  (The Red Queen, Alice through the Looking Glass).

Yes, you read it right: the sequel to the Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player continues with the third in the series: The Norman Conquests of the Ageing Tennis Player, currently out on the Roland Garros practice courts in time for the French Open Grand Slam which plays out between 25 May and 8 June 2025.

The Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player series tells the story of a man of a certain age – known to himself as “Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch” – who moves seamlessly from sporting zero to hero and back again during Wimbledon in 2013 when Andy Murray was the first British male player to win there in decades. By the end of that story, he has not only become Sports Personality of the Year but also succeeded (he thinks) at being elected Chairman of his local tennis club. Buoyed by these immense achievements, he immediately continues his success by winning the Australian Open in Melbourne amongst much Covid-19 inspired delirium and thwarted love stories via The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player.

So what’s the next challenge in store for him? Well, the third in the ‘Confessions’ series, Les Conquêtes Normandes picks up from where Courting Lives left off and tracks the ongoing drama between him, ‘Serena Williams’ and ‘Phoebe Snetsinger’ in a race to see whether he can add to his Grand Slam trophy haul before he loses all grip on reality.

Illustrated by Paul Warren, Les Conquêtes Normandes d’un Tennisman Vieillissant will be available on 8 June 2025.

The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player

The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player

“Tennis belongs to the individualistic past – a hero, or at most a pair of friends or lovers, against the world.” (Jacques Barzun)

What happens after you believe you’ve won Wimbledon, conquered your local tennis club, and crowned yourself a sporting legend — when none of it was quite true?

The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player picks up where Confessions left off: with Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch rescued from a burning raft of tennis rackets, arrested, and facing the small inconvenience of reality. Undeterred, our gloriously unreliable narrator sets his sights on an even greater prize — the Australian Open — while simultaneously navigating the far more dangerous terrain of love, obsession, correspondence, and self-delusion.

Told through a wildly inventive mix of match reports, fan mail, court transcripts, newspaper cuttings, ornithological “sightings,” and illustrated interludes, this is a novel that treats tennis as theatre, romance as combat, and ageing as an extreme sport. Along the way, real-world tennis mythology collides with fantasy, bureaucracy, and pataphysical logic, as Andy encounters rival “GOATs,” prison systems, phantom coaches, and women who may — or may not — be in love with him.

By turns absurd, tender, infuriating, and unexpectedly moving, The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player is a comic novel about the stories we tell ourselves to survive the fine line between confidence and delusion masculinity, ageing, and desire under pressure and the strange ways love refuses to follow the rules

Illustrated throughout by Paul Warren, this sequel deepens the world of Confessions while standing confidently on its own as a bold, original, laugh-out-loud meditation on ambition, attachment, and the enduring hope that the next match — or the next letter — might finally change everything.

Next stop: Melbourne. Love all.

 

£19.99
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Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player: I AM Andy Murray and have beaten Carlos Alcaraz at this year’s Wimbledon Championship (albeit vicariously).

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The crowds gather early to get the best seating.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you all. I can’t believe that this afternoon has ended in such a thrilling style, with so many decisive moments, nerve tingling decisions, and life changing choices.

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Novak Djokovic thinking he’s got this one sorted.

Novi was an incredible opponent this afternoon, but I agree with him when he says the best man won (i.e. me).

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The disgraceful state of Wimbledon grass led to many early exits.

So, congratulations to him for putting up such a spirited fight, and congratulations to me for pulling out all the stops and astounding everyone.

While now is not the time to crow, it is worth remembering those who fell at an early stage during the competition and for the valuable contribution blah… blah… blah… they have made to the upper echelons of the tennis fraternity.

IMG_1679
Carlos Alcatraz still hasn’t come to terms with what hit him this year.

So, here we can remember the likes of Rafa (N), the Pole, Maria Sharapova and of course my mentor, leader and nemesis, Roger (F) – all as you can see at the peak of their physical prowess.

IMG_1678
Emma Raducanu is still smarting from the injury caused to her by the courts.

But holding the trophy aloft will stay in my memory for the rest of my life and I would like to finally thank you all, my supporters, my coach, my advocates and my enemies for the encouragement you have given me or the motivation which has spurred me on to prove you all wrong. This year’s Wimbledon has proven to me that anything is possible, with the right attitude, guts, determination, and fertile imagination.

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Victory is sweet: holding the Wimbledon Men’s Singles Championship trophy aloft.

My club, my tennis, my world, will never be the same again!

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

Next year’s Wimbledon already beckons.

(You might like to know that you can follow Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch’s journey to fame and infamy in  ‘Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player’ .  You can see it here.

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

“I don’t like your attitude!” snaps “Serena Williams” as we square up over the club’s dubious grass courts. But I am “Andy Murray”, the greatest tennis GOAT ever, no really I am and you “Serena” are blocking me from my ultimate goal: chairman of our local club.

A riotously funny illustrated comic guidebook about obsession, ageing, sporting fantasy and the gap between imagination and reality.

Follow a man of a certain age — self-styled as “Andy Murray” — on his spirited, surreal journey through dreams of Wimbledon glory, club politics, and the absurdities of success that never quite arrives. The first in the Confessions series.

£19.99
Shop now