Tag: Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

Julian Writes: third slightly tentative steps to my Audiobook Ambitions

Woke at dawn with a vision. Not of Nick, but of the soundtrack.

Imagine the ball hitting the net in slow motion, followed by a deep cello note and a whispered confession:

“I was always better at losing gracefully.”

Then my voice (or a fades in, narrating over ambient crowd noise.
It’s not just an audiobook — it’s cinematic intimacy.

Sent a 1,200-word email draft titled “Sonic Futures: Aural Brand Synergies” to myself.
Will forward to Nick once I’ve removed the parts where I refer to myself as “the oracle of audio.”

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

“I don’t like your attitude!” snaps “Serena Williams” as we square up over the club’s dubious grass courts. But I am “Andy Murray”, the greatest tennis GOAT ever, no really I am and you “Serena” are blocking me from my ultimate goal: chairman of our local club.

A riotously funny illustrated comic guidebook about obsession, ageing, sporting fantasy and the gap between imagination and reality.

Follow a man of a certain age — self-styled as “Andy Murray” — on his spirited, surreal journey through dreams of Wimbledon glory, club politics, and the absurdities of success that never quite arrives. The first in the Confessions series.

£19.99
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Julian Writes: second tentative steps to my Audiobook Ambitions

Home late after a “strategy chat” with Eleanor in the pub. She says audiobooks are “performative literature,” which I think was meant kindly but sounded like a warning.
I told her I’d volunteer to “consult” on the voice direction, i.e.select the narrator. She raised an eyebrow and asked if I knew any voice actors. I said I was network-adjacent to several. (Translation: I follow Stephen Fry on X.)
In my notes app I’ve drafted:
Julian Pilkington-Sterne: The Sound of Modern Literature™
It’s ambitious, yes. But ambition is a transferable skill.

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

“I don’t like your attitude!” snaps “Serena Williams” as we square up over the club’s dubious grass courts. But I am “Andy Murray”, the greatest tennis GOAT ever, no really I am and you “Serena” are blocking me from my ultimate goal: chairman of our local club.

A riotously funny illustrated comic guidebook about obsession, ageing, sporting fantasy and the gap between imagination and reality.

Follow a man of a certain age — self-styled as “Andy Murray” — on his spirited, surreal journey through dreams of Wimbledon glory, club politics, and the absurdities of success that never quite arrives. The first in the Confessions series.

£19.99
Shop now

Julian Writes: first tentative steps to my Audiobook Ambitions

Had lunch alone today (by choice). Spent the hour mapping out what I’m calling Project Serve & Verb™ i.e. the re-imagining of Confessions of An Ageing Tennis Player for the sonic age.

Phase 1: secure producer credit (through charm or proximity).
Phase 2: negotiate subtle but frequent mentions of my name in behind-the-scenes materials.
Phase 3: become the voice of Nick Owen Publishing — literally.
Paul walked past while I was rehearsing the line “Love all, except when it hurts.”
He didn’t comment. He just looked at me in that way illustrators do when they realise someone might soon be paid more than them.
I must protect this idea.
Also: check if HR can trademark my voice.

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

“I don’t like your attitude!” snaps “Serena Williams” as we square up over the club’s dubious grass courts. But I am “Andy Murray”, the greatest tennis GOAT ever, no really I am and you “Serena” are blocking me from my ultimate goal: chairman of our local club.

A riotously funny illustrated comic guidebook about obsession, ageing, sporting fantasy and the gap between imagination and reality.

Follow a man of a certain age — self-styled as “Andy Murray” — on his spirited, surreal journey through dreams of Wimbledon glory, club politics, and the absurdities of success that never quite arrives. The first in the Confessions series.

£19.99
Shop now

Julian Writes: the Audiobook as my Journey to Personal Salvation

I overheard Nick on the phone this morning saying the words “audiobook rights.” He said them casually, as if he were asking for milk. I had to leave the office immediately and stand in the stairwell to breathe.

An audiobook changes everything. It’s not just a format — it’s an experience. And experiences are what I market best (I said that once at a conference in Milton Keynes).

I’m already picturing the campaign: “Hear the Sweat. Feel the Spin. Confess Differently.” Could I narrate it myself? My voice has range — somewhere between a BBC continuity announcer and emotional gravel.

Note to self: research microphones. And acting lessons.

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player

“I don’t like your attitude!” snaps “Serena Williams” as we square up over the club’s dubious grass courts. But I am “Andy Murray”, the greatest tennis GOAT ever, no really I am and you “Serena” are blocking me from my ultimate goal: chairman of our local club.

A riotously funny illustrated comic guidebook about obsession, ageing, sporting fantasy and the gap between imagination and reality.

Follow a man of a certain age — self-styled as “Andy Murray” — on his spirited, surreal journey through dreams of Wimbledon glory, club politics, and the absurdities of success that never quite arrives. The first in the Confessions series.

£19.99
Shop now

Bientôt disponible dans une librairie près de chez vous: Les Conquêtes Normandes d’un Tennisman Vieillissant

“Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing—turn out your toes as you walk—and remember who you are!”  (The Red Queen, Alice through the Looking Glass).

Yes, you read it right: the sequel to the Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player continues with the third in the series: The Norman Conquests of the Ageing Tennis Player, currently out on the Roland Garros practice courts in time for the French Open Grand Slam which plays out between 25 May and 8 June 2025.

The Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player series tells the story of a man of a certain age – known to himself as “Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch” – who moves seamlessly from sporting zero to hero and back again during Wimbledon in 2013 when Andy Murray was the first British male player to win there in decades. By the end of that story, he has not only become Sports Personality of the Year but also succeeded (he thinks) at being elected Chairman of his local tennis club. Buoyed by these immense achievements, he immediately continues his success by winning the Australian Open in Melbourne amongst much Covid-19 inspired delirium and thwarted love stories via The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player.

So what’s the next challenge in store for him? Well, the third in the ‘Confessions’ series, Les Conquêtes Normandes picks up from where Courting Lives left off and tracks the ongoing drama between him, ‘Serena Williams’ and ‘Phoebe Snetsinger’ in a race to see whether he can add to his Grand Slam trophy haul before he loses all grip on reality.

Illustrated by Paul Warren, Les Conquêtes Normandes d’un Tennisman Vieillissant will be available on 8 June 2025.

The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player

The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player

“Tennis belongs to the individualistic past – a hero, or at most a pair of friends or lovers, against the world.” (Jacques Barzun)

What happens after you believe you’ve won Wimbledon, conquered your local tennis club, and crowned yourself a sporting legend — when none of it was quite true?

The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player picks up where Confessions left off: with Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch rescued from a burning raft of tennis rackets, arrested, and facing the small inconvenience of reality. Undeterred, our gloriously unreliable narrator sets his sights on an even greater prize — the Australian Open — while simultaneously navigating the far more dangerous terrain of love, obsession, correspondence, and self-delusion.

Told through a wildly inventive mix of match reports, fan mail, court transcripts, newspaper cuttings, ornithological “sightings,” and illustrated interludes, this is a novel that treats tennis as theatre, romance as combat, and ageing as an extreme sport. Along the way, real-world tennis mythology collides with fantasy, bureaucracy, and pataphysical logic, as Andy encounters rival “GOATs,” prison systems, phantom coaches, and women who may — or may not — be in love with him.

By turns absurd, tender, infuriating, and unexpectedly moving, The Courting Lives of an Ageing Tennis Player is a comic novel about the stories we tell ourselves to survive the fine line between confidence and delusion masculinity, ageing, and desire under pressure and the strange ways love refuses to follow the rules

Illustrated throughout by Paul Warren, this sequel deepens the world of Confessions while standing confidently on its own as a bold, original, laugh-out-loud meditation on ambition, attachment, and the enduring hope that the next match — or the next letter — might finally change everything.

Next stop: Melbourne. Love all.

 

£19.99
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