I awoke on the dew drenched field of my alma mater this morning with a headache the size of Concorde. Clutching my tennis racket firmly to my Fred Perry adorned bosom, I realised in the vicious light of day that it was all over, once and for all, between me and the club. Not on the short list of SPOTY, no invite to the awards ceremony, not even a half-eaten chicken thrown my way out of sympathy.
How the mighty are fallen.
Even the club moggie had deserted me I mused as I trudged out of the ground. But such is the way of all things feline and racket-shaped. They may love you when you’re up there – struggling, winning, bathing in the showers afterwards – but when you’re down and out, flat on your back on a dew drenched rugby field? Then you realise who your real friends are.
And Spoty, the club moggie is clearly not one of them.
But – and this is a big but – one that combines all the ‘on the other hands’, ‘howevers’ and ‘they think it’s all overs’ that are possible in any sports mythology, including mine – what did I see as I slumped past the newsagent this morning? On his bill board? Written in thick black felt tip marker?
Only the short list for the BBC’s Sports Personality Of The Year 2013 programme!
And who is on THAT list, alongside Mo Farah, Christine Ohuruogu, Hannah Cockroft, Chris Froome, Justin Rose, Sir (Sir!) Ben Ainslie, AP McCoy, Ian Bell and rugby union player Leigh Halfpenny? Yes, that’s right – little old moi!
Yours truly has been recognised by the true sporting elite and he is there in the public eye once again, despite being snubbed by the cultural pygmies of his own club!
The public will vote for their favourite on Sunday, 15 December – giving me just a few weeks to practice my personality so that it stands the best possible chance of success.
Sports Personality Of The Year?!
Last night you may have been ‘avin a larf, but this morning is a very different place in the sports cosmos and I for one intend to claim what is rightfully mine.
Spoty – club moggie – and all you club apparatchiks – you have been warned!
Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player
“I don’t like your attitude!” snaps “Serena Williams” as we square up over the club’s dubious grass courts. But I am “Andy Murray”, the greatest tennis GOAT ever, no really I am and you “Serena” are blocking me from my ultimate goal: chairman of our local club.
‘Confessions’ is about a man of a certain age – Lord Andrew John Paul George Ringo Murray of Kirkintilloch – who lived out his tennis fantasies when he was young and never quite moved on as he grew up.
The first of a series, “Confessions of an Ageing Tennis Player” is the must-go-to illustrated comic guidebook about our dreams and our disappointments, our failures and our triumphs.
Discover more from Welcome to NOP (Nick Owen Publishing)
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