I am, in some derogatory circles, termed a “bolter”.
The term “bolter” implies a certain recklessness or lack of responsibility and discounts the emotional complexities that led to the decision to leave.
I had no impulse to escape, despite being unloved in a marriage with an end date once the children matured was cruel. I was betrayed, confused, hurt, and isolated. Basically, I was reduced to a label, my ‘use by date’ notification led to resurrecting divorce proceedings and in my eyes, co-parenting. The resulting implode was a fraternally fuelled battleground and my beautiful children, pawns. Armed with weaponry beyond their capabilities and schooled in domestic terrorism from the very people who should have protected them.
Parental alienation is not understood, it is emotional manipulation that disrupts close relationships and skews perceptions. It shatters your trust compass. The term “bolter” is dismissive of a very real struggle for peace and authenticity in relationships.
Estrangement isn’t just about physical distance; it’s also about the emotional disconnection and the cost of guilt in the eyes of those imposing the situation for themselves, and implicating others. Estrangement isn’t merely a physical departure but a deeper, more nuanced emotional severing.
Writing about a “bolter” and the theme of estrangement involves exploring the emotional distance that can grow between people when one chooses a path of departure. The question society should ask itself is ‘Who makes the choice for the estrangement?’ Indeed, was there ever a choice? The irreversible reality of estrangement is often on a decision or outcome that’s already taken place, leaving little room for negotiation or change. A ‘Fait Accompli.’
Estrangement, for me, has been a source of unexpected strength and resilience, enabling exponential growth clarity than ever imagined. The journey of self-discovery has reset my values, built emotional resilience, enabled me to establish and respect my boundaries and allowed me to limit relationships that no longer serve my well-being. I have relationships built on mutual respect and understanding, with new connections and community, life is rich in friendship.
Ultimately, estrangement has developed me into stronger, more self-assured mother.
I am very much my own woman.
The Bolter
Always a mother, no longer a wife
I left the marriage, a hot bed of strife
Not of choice, you understand
A result of behaviour: So underhand.
A domestic life of strangulation
control, abuse and manipulation.
A life built on loveless lies
Subterfuge and family spies
A tangled web to deceive
Parrot fashion stories, so naive
Untruths spin and collide,
A slippery slope: Living death ride.
Altered reality, dwell in child minds
Hiding evidence, no one finds.
Cloak and dagger, hand in hand.
Alienation: the quick sinking sand.
Untruths galvanise a barricade.
Maternal memories are set to fade.
False claims are on override,
And contrary. Is there no pride?
Loyalty is a one-way street
Nothing in the middle to meet
Unheard pleas, unconditional love
Apparently is not good enough
Suspended lives silenced forever
Truth will out, never, never
In a vacuum of distorted perception
Guilt imprisons each generation
Estrangement is not a fair game of choice
Pawns discarded where truth has no voice
Discharging twisted tales on the spoken word
Meanwhile the bolting mother is never heard.
More from Janice here:
There’s No Such Thing as an Englishman
There’s No Such Thing as an Englishman is an anthology of poetry from an irritated England and marks the many sources of irritation faced by the average Englishman or woman these days – everything from the railways to referenda via what ever it is the young call music these days.
It was launched on 31 January 2020 – the day when the UK left the European Union and when the phenomenon known as Brexit finally, we liked to think, finally evaporated and all those years of frustration, anger, sheer disbelief and irritation all come to rest. But as Chairman Mao once said about what he thought the effects of the French Revolution were, it was way too soon to tell.
But its two authors – Nick Owen and Janice Owen – have become accomplished at becoming irritated at many facets of life in England over the years and hope that you, dear reader, will find some solace in knowing that you are not alone when it comes to feeling frustrated, pissed off, angry or just good old fashioned irritated.
Being English though, means we’ve just reached a level of irritation and aren’t quite ready to riot. Yet.
Discover more from Welcome to NOP (Nick Owen Publishing)
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