You’ll have seen the ‘word’ ‘Congrats‘ scattered around LinkedIn and other social media platforms for some time now: congrats on your work anniversary, congrats on your new job, congrats on being able to walk and talk at the same time, that kind of thing. But when athletes of all persuasions have taken to using it when complementing their opponents endeavours. we know that the ‘word’ has been full incorporated into the global zeitgeist. Eschewing the more complicated word ‘congratulations‘, ‘congrats‘ has now become the sign of a significant linguistic turn in our culture in which two syllable words dominate our discourse and debates.
And you wonder what took us so long? Two syllable words are obviously much more in keeping in times of economic austerity. They save time and energy; are presumably better for the planet’s climate given they mean a lot less hot air is being pumped into our febrile political atmosphere and perhaps the most important aspect to a two syllable world is that it somehow feels more democratic, more egalitarian and less elitist than a world in which words with more than two syllables dominates. Why confound and confuse people with long words which no-one really understands when words with two syllables (or less, for the linguistic purists amongst you) will do the trick perfectly well?
To make this culture shift, today sees the launch of the Global Linguistic Efficiency Day, or GLED for short, or if we’re staying true to the spirit of the message of the concept, Global Lingtics Effi Day. Notice how so little meaning is lost by using words which are no more than two syllables long. It’s like that phenomenon in English where you realise that in words of four or more letters, it doesn’t matter in which order the letters appear: the meaning of the word is not lost (as long as the first and last letters stay as they should be). Whilst this might play havoc with writing, reading and speaking classes in our schools, it also probably spells the end of phonetics as we understand them (probably not such. bad thing).
Who stands to gain and lose for the adoption of GLED Day? (I can hear a slogan already: ‘I’m Glad It’s GLED Day‘) Of course, it will take some time for us to adjust our speaking and writing to words of no more than two syllables but eventually we’ll be grateful for the time we’ve gained in our lives, and not having to think about those pesky third, fourth or even fifth syllables which clutter up our mouths and add to the background hum of environmental noise pollution so prevalent in societies across the world.
Perhaps German speaking peoples however will struggle the most, given their delight in long compound words in which the number of syllables seems to expand exponentially, depending on whether or not they’ve won yet another global sporting event. This means that we shall have to say a fond farewell to words such as:
“Donaudampfschifffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft” which weighs in at a glorious 24 syllables: perhaps more interesting than its translation as “the Association for Subordinate Officials of the Head Office Management of the Danube Steamboat Electrical Services.” The Germans (as ever) have been well ahead of the GLED Day game though. Back in 1999 they banned the word:
“Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz” (also with 24 syllables) which meant the law concerning the delegation of duties for the supervision of cattle marking and the labelling of beef“, introduced in 1999 during the BSE crisis. It was given the abbreviation RkReÜAÜG – which was itself unpronouncable.
So whilst we might celebrate Germany not being present in the Euro 24 finals tonight, or indeed any of the Wimbledon finals this weekend, we should also more importantly celebrate their linguistic independence. Two syllable words may well be efficient and egalitarian, but we will rue the day when they dominate each and every one of our conversations: or convos, as they’re increasingly being referred to. Resistance to GLED Day starts today too. Congrats to the freedom fighters!
Confessions of an Ageing Football Player
A satirical novel about fantasy, solitude, and replaying the beautiful game alone.
In Confessions of an Ageing Football Player, an ageing man plays out the 2014 World Cup match by match on his old Subbuteo table, narrating himself into glory long after the crowd, the pitch, and the body have disappeared.
This is not a sports memoir. It’s a comic, affectionate, and quietly unsettling exploration of football fandom, masculinity, and the rituals we invent to keep the game alive.
Discover more from Welcome to NOP (Nick Owen Publishing)
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