Our intrepid sports reporter Murry Andrews of the all new Liverpool Daily Post has recently inveigled himself into Emma Raducanu’s celebrations of her announcement as the BBC Sports Personality of the Year.
In an exclusive interview with Murray, Emma spills the beans on what it took to add this highly prized trophy to her modest trophy cabinet.
“So, Emma, how does it feel?” asks Andrew in a manner which will surely have all sports correspondents trembling in their trainers with its derring-do, “Sat on the veranda of your penthouse luxury suite on the Thames, clutching your SPOTY 2021 trophy in your right hand and your Wimbledon Singles Tournament Ladies “Did-Alright-For-A-Wild-Card” urn in the other?”
Clealry taken aback at the lazer like precision of Murray’s question, Emma soon composes herself.
“Well, Murray,” she starts, “what I see behind me, quaffing champagne and sippling endless supplies of Romanian Țuică are the highest of the highest of the glitterati and celeberati.
Tyson Furey has just furiously slammed his sailor’s dinghy into the wharf at the end of my garden and waved to me with a traditional maritime greeting of respect, the two fingered salute made famous by the one and only Winston Churchill whose grandson, Winston Winston Winston Churchill, dropped by not five minutes ago to collect the rent.
I feel some moments of sympathy for my unlucky rivals in this year’s SPOTY competition. Adam Peaty (who he?) is floating from guest to guest at my party, trying to persuade them that they really do know him. That’s the problem with being a swimming champion I guess: all the Great British Public see is your begoggled bald head and shiny torso slithering eel-like through a swimming pool. No wonder everyone professes ignorance when he tries to regale them with his long list of World records (yawn).
And who’s sat over there on the kitchen barstool in a huff, her legs going round and round furiously in vain but getting no-where? None other than Dame Sarah Storey. You can take the girl off the bike, but you can’t take the bike out of the girl as Raheem Sterling reliably informed me when we shared a bowl of twiglets together.
Tom Daley has continued to do what he does best: knitting. ‘Tis a wonder he made it this far in life, never mind in the cruel world of tiddly winks.
There’s no getting away from it Murray: in order to win the most prestigious sports competition in the world, the Sports Personality Of The Year, on the world’s most prestigious broadcaster, one needs to have a bucket load of personality.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is why I, the Soon-to-be-Lady Emma Adele Laurie Blue Adkins of Auchtermuchty, have secured the prize in such emphatic style.
Now there is only one thing left to complete my universe. Recognition of my achievements by my local club, which has, as you can imagine, been less than effusive in its praise in recent weeks.
No matter. The time is now right for the club secretary, Grace, to phone me and inform me that the club is ready to bestow the ultimate accolade upon me.
At this point our intrepid reporter Murray Andrews was about to interrogate her political ambitions but he was unceremoniously shown the back door to Emma’s penthouse by her Ladyship’s security detail before he could hear whether she had designs on being the UK’s new Brexit Minister, the new Chief Medical Officer for England or even the next Prime Minister.
But dear reader, he will be back with all the news that is not yet fit to print. See it all unravel here!